real emotional trash

friday's nocturne communique/nocturnal e-mission: you’re such an ingénue, i want to stick it in and show you what a man can do

memory/mercury:
i take you to the disco. you're my disco. my dick so. do you understand my organization? do you understand my organs? it is, perhaps, yr first glance into life before you. things i want you to see that i can't show you. junior boys spinning for junior boys spinning. some senior boys too. you buy us drinks even though we are not of age. we are ageless. the less i notice the other people in the room. they are being eclipsed. there is an aura. a radiance. an immortality. teenage apprehension and risqué-ness at the thought of doing this here. we are on the floor. we are below. we are being surveyed enviously. what do we look like making out and making it up? at the thought of doing that there. we are walking through the tenderloin with tender/loins. it is wet. this is not my bed. this is not yr bed. but he would appreciate its use value and the mark i make you make me make.

at different times entire weeks had seemed to disappear
he wondered what initially they had agreed not to discuss

truth to tell it was blood spurting from his cock
with his one good eye he would watch

"now kiss his balls"
"now take his cock in yr hand"

then i knead my cock so that milk spurts out
across his face and neck, silver

depository. anal suppository. suppose? supine? alpine? gone danny gone. disidentify. misidentify. misrecognize. forget. unremember. reversion. inversion. versus.

memory/mercury:
what it meant. saturday night live. late night t.v. in general. dorm rooms. small. tiny beds. tiny windows. this made us close. you would arrive here late, or i would arrive there late. both of us having taken the first flight after last class economy class first class ass. then was the forever transferring public transportation. just to get to that little room. then was release. a desire saved for weeks, after which point it was impossible to get out of bed. that’s why we were there in bed in front of the t.v. next to each other. on each other. on the weekend. when saturday night live, saturday night love, would cum on and then austin city limits after that and then we’d flip around through the channels to find the funniest (stoned) either homing shopping show or televangelist. saturday. saturday sun. saturday night. obsession. deception. are you watching it with someone new now? can he do to you the things i do? a saturday when we met. a saturday when you left.

memory/mercury:
seeing that zombie movie. 28 weeks later. seeing scary movies with you. you laugh at my sacredness but only because you are feeling the same. we see the zombie man at the bus stop. this gum i chew i learnt it from you. so scared we go to rachel’s goodbye bar. neither of us like it. when was this? we must have gone back to the 45th st. house after. to sleep on the air mattress. wrestle. rest. wrestle. rest. like a piece of music in 4/4. was this may? it must have been? before you left. before i followed you.

the weekend also giving us time to sleep in. time’s the revelator. revelations. lashes. i hope together we. sex in the morning. now only mourning in the morning. breakfast in bed in the morning and t.v. in the morning. showers. how i’m too bashful for us to take one together in the shared bathroom. how it doesn’t matter in yr private bathroom. stoned and on ambient ambien and in every position imaginable. and hunter orange flannel sheets.

do you recreate the look on yr face, the holy daze, and in yr eyes that you trance into when i’m filling yr mouth and throat, when yr kneeling to kiss my feet. washing the saint’s feet with yr mouth christlike, with yr christlike mouth.

cherry blossoms. cherished bottoms.

the pain of loss is not the loss per se. the loss of the tangible material, which is always transient, which is always already being lost. it is the loss of the lost, of the thing that was never there that is not here. for i have not fingered yr flesh for sometime now, but i have always forever never contained you.
a lost cause
lost ‘cause
it never was

"i had read somewhere that lovers get rid of any intruder, so with wild fantasies in my brain i slipped back to my bed, my joy of life shattered, torn apart in my inmost being for my whole life!" — wilhelm reich

“and the waves of us following what follows, retelling ourselves what we say we’ve said in this tongue which will pass.” --michael palmer

memory/mercury:
smelling of sex and pine. on bikes we ride round an island painted red. riding bikes like kids unconcerned with efficiency. unconcerned with efficacy and unconcerned with effeminacy. effemi-nancy. sea breezes of clipper ships and a picnic gathered from the only store there is – bread and cheese. a circle of trees. circling and open. like yr mouth on my cock. circling and open. hardly a 2track through an overgrown forest. but then there is water and it makes us naked and swelling. the poppy in yr hair. the picture i take. nestled in the reeds and nestled in needs. safe and in another country and in another time zone. how are bicycles accurately portrayed abandoned and on a rocky shore? shoes and socks removed and jeans cuffed to test the water. overcast and brisk but not uncomfortable. especially considering the heat between. i would will to swallow this moment. anchor it inside. the feeling before cumming of eyes meeting, of a breeze blowing across a bare chest, of arms entwined in legs, of a head between thighs, of grass on skin, of stony impressions. the disappointment of having to pull up pants, put on socks and shoes and rinse mouths.

you having text with me:
11.11.06: 01:32: i love my beautiful baby boy

13.11.06: 04:36: i love you

02.02.07: 02:39: i want you so bad

06.02.07: 02:24: i feel bad i kept you up so late when you are sick sweet dreams sexy

08.02.07: 03:14: cumming

12.02.07: 01:51: i love you and can’t wait to lips and touch you all over

13.02.07: 02:32: my babes better not still be awake

01.03.07: 02:16: i miss you

02:28: :p

04.03.07: 04:36: i’m jacking off

05.03.07: 16:57: hey toots

09.03.07: 10:48: love u 2

01.04.07: 18:43: miss you baby face. i had a wonderful surprise waiting 4 me when i got home

03.04.07: 03:29: i miss my sweet baby pookie

06.04.07: 01:11: i miss you so much

09.04.07: 02:01: sleeping without you is the loneliest thing in the world

20.04.07: 02:13: love you too

23.04.07: 02:05: happy birthday. i love you sweetie

13:24: tell danny i said happy bday miss u love you!!!

29.04.07: 16:53: i love you and miss you already

11.06.07: 08:02: babes! don’t forget the oliver movie and sascha’s bag

15.06.07: 19:07: great. can’t wait to see you

01.08.07: 17:18: i love you baby. hope you were on time to work

17:19: i love you baby. hope you were on time to work

19.02.08: 23:10: i miss you sweet pea

20.02.08: 23:15: i don’t see it but i feel it! tis nice to be on the same time zone now

23.02.08: 15:29: i miss you a lot. get better soon

01.03.08: 00:32: good. miss u. did i leave u messages or were u on the other line?

01:00: oh i wish it so bad

01:07: masturbation ain’t either

02.03.08: 04:19: ditto and i want the best for you and your body

04.03.08: 23:23: u r sexy face with baby eyes

17.03.08: 03:31: if we had sex now you would probably kill me and then i would be dead and u would be sad

19.03.08: 23:45: weird i just listened to that song like 4 times today. u know i wrote about you today

23:49 that’s private it was in the book you got me from china. and i read the other stuff i had written in it all about you and it made me sad like el perro

20.03.08: 00:02: it’s very positive towards you don’t worry

00:04: nothing i was just reminiscing
00:28: you’re drunk

home is not where the heart is. home is where you go when you’ve left yr heart elsewhere, when yr heart has given out. we’re in the same time zone again. is that meaningful? better or worse? it is neither. it is presence. it is presentness. it is pettiness. it is prettiness. the woman with the sex and in the city ringtone. reggaeton. stranded. something falls out of his pocket. a voluptuous girl walks by. i wait for the phone to phone. phonetic. phoneme. phenome. pheromone. will someone please pick me up and love me? support me? care? get to livin’. like dolly says. vigilance. virginance. open yr heart to me and yr wallet will follow and only then will i follow. life doesn’t make sense, life being the totality entirety of everything existence. what makes sense is you and me in a warm environment in a warm embrace. the glow of a t.v. that comfort. not these old men with gollum voices and phone not phoning me and the heavy breathing. show me something that will amaze me. that will move my mind outside, or at least away from, itself. the foul smell of cheap perfume and alcohol skin hidden beneath a shit-faced grin. i will not be sick. it will not be yr fault. do not attempt to comprehend that which you do not understand. make my life easy for me. make my life happy for me. rolling rolling rolling. where is the disco? where is the cocaine? the cowboys? i’ve left them behind in the dust and detritus of memory. shorn and shed hairs and skin flakes. make me hot chocolate and climb into bed with me. a mattress on a wooden floor, warm from humping, worn from waist thrusting. fame, fortune, riches, jewels – these are the tools with which i build my being. you’ve already picked up yr meds, what are you doing now? sleep deprivation. nerves. anxiety. lack of xtc. lack of miraculously. i am not afraid of death. i am not afraid of lack of breath. i am not afraid of “hey dude.” lax of communication. lacks of commune. a hand moves automatically. a hand moves erratically. take me to the riot. at the edge of the rio’s levy. make me make you muddy. muddle yr manliness. muddle yr manly knees. adult babies, childlike manliness. manly childishness. no sex tonight. “ i ended up throwing out all my socks and underwear.” with my end up. a stupid child. stupid children. stupid parents. stupid dolls. stupid words. sick kidz. sick bids. sick nezz. s.o.p. seat of pants. sop it up. i can’t stop. won’t stop. off the clock. on the rock. suck my cock. four letters. four flowers. foyers. faggots. maggots. maggy-ies, magpies. moon pies. my eyes. yr thighs. chicken legs. a black dawg begs. my throat is not sore. i soar. we roar. they are there. i left them, what will they think (of me)? missed opportunity? every time opportunity is taken, opportunity is missed. it’s the inability to be in two different places at the same time. why try? why cry? why not defy? convention? detention? contrition. exhibition. malnutrition. when may i phone you and will you answer my calls? my prayers? reminisce. kiss.

---

http://arts.guardian.co.uk/flash/page/0,,2265500,00.html

http://www.theoneswelove.org/home.html

http://www.youngjewishandleft.org/

---

the garden:
http://www.myspace.com/loverstheband

danger:
http://www.myspace.com/thesoundofarrows

dwts:
http://www.myspace.com/sissywish



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lsuz4ki31zA

http://youtube.com/watch?v=LFK5IoEr-QY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KzCqcp9CBCQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luIBrGyFNq0

celebrity lookalikes

diptych/dicktip #3

diptych/dicktip #2

diptych/dicktip #1

there.

real emotional trash

friday's nocturne communique: open yr mouth to let me piss in it and prove you are a devil

are we still emotionally committed?

can we have phone sex sometime?

list of things that i encounter that remind me of you 8 march 2008. read the list. think about the thing. think about me:
bathtub
flaming lips - do you realize
hawthorne and morrison bridges
track jacket
belmont
wonder ballroom

memory:
that housewarming party in ne. i left something there. new house not as nice as the old house. back to the old house. the one where there was a cardboard box of clothes for give away and we took away some clothes. clothes i changed into. i changed. when the waterfall fell on my jeans. clothes i wore to the pizza place and to the aeroport. and clothes that pressed against you. in the pizza place. in the bathroom. in the aeroport. in the stairwell. stare well. well fed. well hung.

without you time is eternity infinity.

i. the i who was. the i who was because i was you is not here. you are not here. i am not here. a letdown. a comparison. a competition. a duel. a deuce. two. i do not understand two. to understand. to understand one. i understand one. disregarding difference. the place where we meet. the place that is no place.

how is it that the insignificant, which is everything, takes on the significant? who and what makes that differentiation? partially experience. partially nostalgia. nostalgia is experience not taking place. it's not that i miss this or i miss this happening, it's that i miss that this happening is not still happening now, that i am a stranger to myself, that i've traversed an irrecoverable distance, that my point of reference has no referent.

i am opposed to the immediate exchange. what is it about this that makes it so much harder than receiving messages, communiques, notes from the underground? it is the expectation. expectations. i am expected to respond in a certain way to what i expect you to say. are there no expectations in mediated exchanges? it is the same with capital. there is no duration. there is only immediate exchange value that relies on immediate expectations as to what each is giving and receiving. it is the same with sex.
DURÉE: Henri Bergson claimed that experience of the world was a flowing, inseparable continuum that could not be divided into a sequence of individual moments of apprehension. As such, reality was experienced as duration, or durée, which could be grasped best by intuition, rather than the rational intellect.

from the valley to the stars.

memory:
you like this group. you know he likes it too. maybe even more than you. you buy their latest record album the day it comes out, just so you can get the special limited edition badges that come with it and give them to him. this, you stupidly think, will seal the deal. when you see them pinned to his college dorm wall bulletin board this, you stupidly think, will seal the deal. this, you stupidly think, has sealed the deal. when he says “i think i love you,” this, you stupidly think, seals the deal.
we go to their concert.
i am ninety kinds of tired. we stand outside trying to sell extra tickets to recoup. you are trying to recoup money. i am trying to recoup period period (you) period inside there is a hooded sweatshirt you see. i see you see it. i see you like it. i will remember this and buy it for you later. when i have money. or when i have an excuse to buy it even though i don’t have money (your birthday). inside it is dark and blue. it is like nighttime when you can’t fall asleep when you want to fall asleep. it is like the desert we drove from to get here. the deserted desert away from which we drove. away from which we were driven. the desertion into which i am driven. the blue and purple and unpeopled tundra. i start to cry. no reason, but yes a reason. i put my head on yr shoulder. you hug me. yr shoulder is wet. i am using it like a towel to dry my eyes.

---

http://www.wesseloconnor.com/exhibits/Smalley/smalley1.php

---

true love will find me in the end:
http://www.daytrotter.com/article/1202/again-those-lights-got-to-us-again-the-bittersweet-smell-of-them-lingers

oh my stars:
http://www.myspace.com/aweathermusic

yr rainy days:
http://www.myspace.com/underelectriclight

tremolo:
http://www.myspace.com/pacificuv

http://www.myspace.com/sheandhim

http://www.myspace.com/idamusic

horsey horse:
http://www.myspace.com/alaskainwinter

http://www.songsiwish.com/onceyouusedto.mp3

the baltic sea:
http://www.myspace.com/thesocialservices

crocodile tears:
http://www.myspace.com/moofishcatfish

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=flaGOFYZ9i8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRlDv5okGS0

http://subdrive.djgalbis.com/2008/02/touch-le-night-dominator-video.html

http://court13.com/TimeToPretend_480.mov

Baby, come over, I need entertaining
I had a stilted, pretending day
Lay me down and say something pretty
Lay me back down where I wanted to stay
Just say something perfect, something I can steal
Say, look at me
Baby, we'll be fine
All we've gotta do is be brave and be kind

I pull off your jeans, and you spill jack and coke in my collar
I melt like a witch and scream
I'm so sorry for everything:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYaDmh-_99k

---

Love you all the time
Even though you're not mine
Love you all the time
Dream I'm in the saltwater

Timing's gone all bad
Broken faith and a broken way
You couldn't lose me if you tried
'Cos I'll be rollin' to your side, baby

Love you all the time
Even though you're not mine
Love you all the time
Broken faith and a broken way

You couldn't lose me if you tried

---

I thought I felt your shape, but I was wrong,
Really all I felt was falsely strong.
I held on tight,
I closed my eyes.
It was dumb,
I had no sense of your size.
It was dumb to hold so tight
But last night, on your birthday, in the kitchen,
My grip was loose my eyes were open.
I felt your shape and heard your breathing,
I felt the rise and the fall of your chest.
I felt your Fall,
Your Winter snows,
Your gusty blows,
Your lava flow.
I felt it all:
Your starry night, your lack of light.
With limp arms I can feel most of you,
I hung around your neck independently,
And my loss was overwhelmed by this depth
I don't think I ever felt.
But I don't know,
My nights are cold
I remember warmth,
I could have sworn I wasn't alone.

---

And I really miss what really did exist
When I held your throat so tight

I want to know this time if you're really finally mine
I need to know that you're not lying so I want to see you tried
And I don't want to hear you say it shouldn't really be this way
'Cause I like this way just fine

---

"he ran it over my lips i understood my heart stopped i wanted him to repeat the order he took that glue from his dick again and smeared my lips with his sticky finger i died he coolly left his finger on my lip i could only agree and touched it said 'yes' with my tongue entranced and he made me go down and i took him." --kharitonov

"love is never 'just love' but always the screen, the field, on which the battles for power and domination are fought." --salecl and zizek