oh, renoir

real emotional trash

friday's nocturne communique: open yr mouth to let me piss in it and prove you are a devil

are we still emotionally committed?

can we have phone sex sometime?

list of things that i encounter that remind me of you 8 march 2008. read the list. think about the thing. think about me:
bathtub
flaming lips - do you realize
hawthorne and morrison bridges
track jacket
belmont
wonder ballroom

memory:
that housewarming party in ne. i left something there. new house not as nice as the old house. back to the old house. the one where there was a cardboard box of clothes for give away and we took away some clothes. clothes i changed into. i changed. when the waterfall fell on my jeans. clothes i wore to the pizza place and to the aeroport. and clothes that pressed against you. in the pizza place. in the bathroom. in the aeroport. in the stairwell. stare well. well fed. well hung.

without you time is eternity infinity.

i. the i who was. the i who was because i was you is not here. you are not here. i am not here. a letdown. a comparison. a competition. a duel. a deuce. two. i do not understand two. to understand. to understand one. i understand one. disregarding difference. the place where we meet. the place that is no place.

how is it that the insignificant, which is everything, takes on the significant? who and what makes that differentiation? partially experience. partially nostalgia. nostalgia is experience not taking place. it's not that i miss this or i miss this happening, it's that i miss that this happening is not still happening now, that i am a stranger to myself, that i've traversed an irrecoverable distance, that my point of reference has no referent.

i am opposed to the immediate exchange. what is it about this that makes it so much harder than receiving messages, communiques, notes from the underground? it is the expectation. expectations. i am expected to respond in a certain way to what i expect you to say. are there no expectations in mediated exchanges? it is the same with capital. there is no duration. there is only immediate exchange value that relies on immediate expectations as to what each is giving and receiving. it is the same with sex.
DURÉE: Henri Bergson claimed that experience of the world was a flowing, inseparable continuum that could not be divided into a sequence of individual moments of apprehension. As such, reality was experienced as duration, or durée, which could be grasped best by intuition, rather than the rational intellect.

from the valley to the stars.

memory:
you like this group. you know he likes it too. maybe even more than you. you buy their latest record album the day it comes out, just so you can get the special limited edition badges that come with it and give them to him. this, you stupidly think, will seal the deal. when you see them pinned to his college dorm wall bulletin board this, you stupidly think, will seal the deal. this, you stupidly think, has sealed the deal. when he says “i think i love you,” this, you stupidly think, seals the deal.
we go to their concert.
i am ninety kinds of tired. we stand outside trying to sell extra tickets to recoup. you are trying to recoup money. i am trying to recoup period period (you) period inside there is a hooded sweatshirt you see. i see you see it. i see you like it. i will remember this and buy it for you later. when i have money. or when i have an excuse to buy it even though i don’t have money (your birthday). inside it is dark and blue. it is like nighttime when you can’t fall asleep when you want to fall asleep. it is like the desert we drove from to get here. the deserted desert away from which we drove. away from which we were driven. the desertion into which i am driven. the blue and purple and unpeopled tundra. i start to cry. no reason, but yes a reason. i put my head on yr shoulder. you hug me. yr shoulder is wet. i am using it like a towel to dry my eyes.

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http://www.wesseloconnor.com/exhibits/Smalley/smalley1.php

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true love will find me in the end:
http://www.daytrotter.com/article/1202/again-those-lights-got-to-us-again-the-bittersweet-smell-of-them-lingers

oh my stars:
http://www.myspace.com/aweathermusic

yr rainy days:
http://www.myspace.com/underelectriclight

tremolo:
http://www.myspace.com/pacificuv

http://www.myspace.com/sheandhim

http://www.myspace.com/idamusic

horsey horse:
http://www.myspace.com/alaskainwinter

http://www.songsiwish.com/onceyouusedto.mp3

the baltic sea:
http://www.myspace.com/thesocialservices

crocodile tears:
http://www.myspace.com/moofishcatfish

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=flaGOFYZ9i8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRlDv5okGS0

http://subdrive.djgalbis.com/2008/02/touch-le-night-dominator-video.html

http://court13.com/TimeToPretend_480.mov

Baby, come over, I need entertaining
I had a stilted, pretending day
Lay me down and say something pretty
Lay me back down where I wanted to stay
Just say something perfect, something I can steal
Say, look at me
Baby, we'll be fine
All we've gotta do is be brave and be kind

I pull off your jeans, and you spill jack and coke in my collar
I melt like a witch and scream
I'm so sorry for everything:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=WYaDmh-_99k

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Love you all the time
Even though you're not mine
Love you all the time
Dream I'm in the saltwater

Timing's gone all bad
Broken faith and a broken way
You couldn't lose me if you tried
'Cos I'll be rollin' to your side, baby

Love you all the time
Even though you're not mine
Love you all the time
Broken faith and a broken way

You couldn't lose me if you tried

---

I thought I felt your shape, but I was wrong,
Really all I felt was falsely strong.
I held on tight,
I closed my eyes.
It was dumb,
I had no sense of your size.
It was dumb to hold so tight
But last night, on your birthday, in the kitchen,
My grip was loose my eyes were open.
I felt your shape and heard your breathing,
I felt the rise and the fall of your chest.
I felt your Fall,
Your Winter snows,
Your gusty blows,
Your lava flow.
I felt it all:
Your starry night, your lack of light.
With limp arms I can feel most of you,
I hung around your neck independently,
And my loss was overwhelmed by this depth
I don't think I ever felt.
But I don't know,
My nights are cold
I remember warmth,
I could have sworn I wasn't alone.

---

And I really miss what really did exist
When I held your throat so tight

I want to know this time if you're really finally mine
I need to know that you're not lying so I want to see you tried
And I don't want to hear you say it shouldn't really be this way
'Cause I like this way just fine

---

"he ran it over my lips i understood my heart stopped i wanted him to repeat the order he took that glue from his dick again and smeared my lips with his sticky finger i died he coolly left his finger on my lip i could only agree and touched it said 'yes' with my tongue entranced and he made me go down and i took him." --kharitonov

"love is never 'just love' but always the screen, the field, on which the battles for power and domination are fought." --salecl and zizek